I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
