When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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