Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
