im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
