he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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