Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
