I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
