She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
