I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
