I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
