How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
