I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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