I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
