I love having hate sex.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
