At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize