Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
