Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
This house was built for laser tag.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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