Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
