I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
