Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize