and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
