Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
