you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
