My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
