she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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