She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
