I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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