Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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