Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
