forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
