I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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