So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
i think im in europe. pls send help
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
