Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You ruined the universe
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize