because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
