haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
