Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
