She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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