this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
