1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I wish I could teleport
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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