Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
