please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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