How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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