but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
