Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
