i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Your penis caused this!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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