I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
