either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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