So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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