the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
