My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Randomize
