That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
