wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
