Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
