well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize