I think I died a long time ago.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
