you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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