i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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