im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize