I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
