Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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