"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
