It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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