someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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