i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My ATM looks so different sober.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
