when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
