If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
