the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
