So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
