Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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