I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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