I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize