shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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