Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize