i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
