he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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