I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
